How anxiety ruled my life and how I conquered it
Before I begin. I would like to introduce myself first. My name is Lorenz Bagapuro. I’m 35 years old and married to a wonderful wife. I’m a professional nurse from the Philippines who currently reside and work in Japan. Although I am a nurse by profession, please be advised that any information and content on this article is for information purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. I’m only speaking based on my personal experience and I just want to inspire others who may be living with mental illness. That being said, always talk to a licensed and qualified medical professional.
Without further delay, Let’s do this.
Japan has beautiful landscapes, coupled with ancient culture and high-rise skyscrapers. It’s one of the most sophisticated and advanced countries in the world, whose people are known to be hard-working and meticulous, with a very strict work ethic. I’ve seen and experienced it personally.
Everyone experiences stress and anxiety from time to time, but if it starts to become a habit and turns into a normal part of your life, that’s when it will start to become a problem.
How it started
Ten years ago, I was one of the recruits selected to work as a nurse by JPEPA, an economic partnership agreement between my country (The Philippines) and Japan. This required me to study intensive Japanese so I could pass the Japanese National Nursing Licensure exam.
So, I went to Japan and was working and studying at the same time. I would go to school in the morning, work in the afternoon, and then study until late at night in my apartment until I passed and was able to work as a nurse. In addition, the change of environment and culture wasn’t as easy to get used to as some people may think.
When anxiety finally reared its ugly headc
The relentless high-stress environment and family-related stress issues began to take their toll on my sleeping patterns. I started to suffer from insomnia and developed a persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.
The fog of anxiety caused by lack of sleep made it difficult for me to function. My everyday routine became a cycle of caffeine use that resulted in sleep deprivation. The sleep deprivation caused tiredness the next day, which in turn made me need more caffeine to cope with it.
I finally developed somniphobia, an extreme fear and anxiety related to the thought of going to sleep. This caused anxiety attacks every night until I experienced my first ever full-blown panic attack.
Reaching my breaking point
The level of demand that I faced as a trainee nurse was greater than my capacity to adapt. Now suffering from constant anxiety attacks, I panicked and started constantly Googling the way that was feeling, thinking that I was losing my mind.
I tried to calm myself down and went for a bike ride around my neighbourhood, contemplating if I should go back home and quit my dream to become a nurse in Japan or just stick with it until I passed the exam. A little voice in my head managed to convince me that I should continue, so I made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
I said to him that I couldn’t sleep at night, and I felt miserable every day. I asked him what I could do. He took out a notepad and started writing out my prescription.
I’d never been medicated before. But since I felt so miserable, hopeless, and to some extent, suicidal, I agreed. I still had my doubts and felt like I was being weak, but I took my Ambien, which knocked me out. It was helpful at first, until it stopped working.
I also took Lexapro every night, and Alprazolam when I had my panic attacks. But being the paranoid person that I was, I didn’t take them regularly. In fact, the side-effects made me more anxious and like I was not in control . I didn’t feel like myself anymore, though I probably didn’t give the medication the chance to work properly. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder with comorbid depression.
Achieving my goal despite my struggles
After many gruelling months of reviews, exams, and duties while suffering from anxiety, insomnia, and depression; I managed to pass my licensure exam so I could finish my program and start anew.
I was also able to take some leave so I went on vacation to the Philippines for two weeks. I felt strong and rejuvenated. During my short stay with my family, I slept well, and I was able to have fun and forget about all the anxiety I had experienced.
When I got back to Japan, I eventually returned to my doctor and quit my medication. In that time, I found myself researching natural methods to overcome my mental health struggles.
The road to recovery
I read numerous books and blogs and searched for every self-help website I could find so that I could understand and cope with my struggles better. After a lot of research, I found many ways, or should I say techniques that really helped me to cope with my anxiety and depression.
I kept telling myself, “Hey, you’re a nurse, aren’t you? Then do something.”, but it always ended in frustration as I’d been forcing it rather than letting it go.
I ended up trying meditation, yoga, exercises, and therapy. I was always beating myself up and trying to stay away from any professional help as I couldn’t accept a life on medication. My stubbornness just led to unhealthy behavior and prolonged my agony. It turned into an obsession, and I began to fear that I would never get better.
After numerous attempts to treat it myself and switching from doctor to doctor (five actually), I finally found a very good psychiatrist.
“He was like a gift from heaven above” — was literally how I felt from that day on.
Medication and therapy helped me to get my life and happiness back again after suffering for almost seven years. However, I would still find myself in tight spots with continuous intrusive thoughts until I found the one thing that really helped me and was the true icing on the cake.
This was my Spirituality. My faith really made a big difference. Everyone has their own culture and belief system, but for a Christian like me, this source of hope and mentality created the path to my continuous recovery.
Stop resisting and learn to accept
Acceptance is always a choice — a hard one for sure, but a choice, nonetheless. There are many things that are beyond our control. We don’t need to control every outcome, fight against it, and be miserable the whole time.
I know anxiety isn’t an easy block or wall to break through, but we really don’t need to fight it. What we really need to do is to change our relationship with it, our response and reaction.
Stop anxiety from holding you back; live your life the way you want to. Build your healthy inner circle; develop strong relationships with those you value and love and limit the negativity that affects your peace and clarity.
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The lifestyle changes and adjustments that I’ve made have worked for me, more than I ever thought they would. From being anxious and depressed to becoming a happy-go-lucky guy again is truly a blessing.
Yes, I still have the occasional mood swings and bad days with heightened anxiety and stress levels. But despite this, I’ve learned to accept my situation. I know that this will always be a part of my life and I take it as a blessing. I have managed to minimize them to nothing more than an infrequent minor annoyance and setback that I can easily overcome. This kind of acceptance and outlook changed my relationship with my condition and made me the master of my life again.
I will forever be grateful for the experiences I’ve had and what I’ve learnt from them. They’ve made me understand more about life and its struggles.
My road to recovery was not a short and easy one, it was in fact a very long and bumpy one but one that was definitely worthwhile.